I’m tired.

It’s late. I should be in bed by now. Under the covers, asleep. I have to work tomorrow, only for a few hours but I know I will be tired if I don’t go to bed now.

Lately there’s always something to do. Really wonderful things, like planning our wedding, spending time with friends, writing lesson plans for my amazing job, being with Nate. Sending one more email. Making one more call. It’s been a while since I did something just for me, though. I need to, desperately.

Is this what life will feel like from now on? It seems to me that gone is the day when all I have to worry about is getting enough sleep, exercise, Vitamin D, or time with friends. When I can take hours in the mornings to spend time with God over coffee. Now, every item on the to do list weighs me down just enough that I can’t do something for myself without feeling a little guilty that I wasn’t working toward making my list shorter.

Soon, I will have one more person to focus on. My prayer is that before that day, I can learn to put Nate first while still taking care of myself. I have lived long enough to know that I can’t possibly serve anyone else, or love anyone else, or really do anything right when I’m not taking time to really receive God’s love in major, tangible, life-altering ways. I realize I’m not going to have it all together by July 31st. Even the perfectionist in me is okay with that fact. But I can sure pray, and I can sure try.

The irony, and the catch-22, is that in order for me to experience God’s love in the way that allows me to live in His strength, I have to take the risk of not getting everything done. Truly sacrificing the time that feels, many times, like it would be better spent sleeping, running, working. I get it, and yet, I don’t do it. The times I do, I am handsomely rewarded, and yet it’s so easy for lies to seep in around my busyness.

Lord, give me the strength to give away my time to you when I don’t seem to have enough.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. the muse
    Mar 11, 2009 @ 01:34:59

    Katie,
    You are profound.!

    Reply

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